I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
