WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
i out mim tonsoeep
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