Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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