I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
