apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
