There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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