I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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