can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize
