i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
It was like getting head from an anaconda
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
