It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Randomize
