I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
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