she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Also, beer. Big fan.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
