Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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