I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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