he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
