I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
