I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Randomize
