I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
