i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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