Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Randomize
