Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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