Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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