somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Randomize
