your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
