My friends, they love my intelligence
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
