I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
we're making bets on your personal life
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
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