if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
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