i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Randomize
