Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
