I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
