I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
the liver wants what the liver wants
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
