sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
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