Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Randomize
