I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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