Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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