she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
