I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
