i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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