she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Randomize
