Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Randomize
