i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
