No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
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