After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
My legs feel like baby dolphins
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
