i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
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