Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
I could have mohawked her pubes.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Randomize
