just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
