Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
