Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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