Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
