i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
