That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
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this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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