I like to think it a success when the cops are called
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
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