dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
