i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
babies were throwing up all over the place
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
