the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
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