life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Randomize
