my room smells like sperm. sweet.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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