Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
